Sleep Epiphany

I am reading the book Touchpoints of Development by T. Barry Brazelton. (http://www.amazon.com/Touchpoints-Birth-Three-T-Berry-Brazelton/dp/0738210498/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310677502&sr=8-1) It's an older book, but has great information about developmental milestones and "touchpoints" to monitor a baby's growth. At each stage, the book discusses eating, sleeping, and motor developments, and well as what's going on cognitively.

Last night after Beckett went to bed, I was reading the section on sleep for four month olds and I had a lightbulb moment. Here's what the doctor writes: "For a baby to sleep through the night, he must be ready to cuycle between deep and light sleep several times. Understanding this is our first touchpoint for avoiding sleep problems. Sleep experts have found that all of us cycle between deep and light sleep, coming up to a state of light sleep called REM (rapid eye movement) every ninety minutes." I stopped here and realized that's probably why I remembered my dreams so much more vividly during pregnancy and when Beckett was first born - I was waking up every ninety mintues or so, probably during a REM cycle.

But my epiphany about Beckett was later, as the chapter goes on to explain: "Every three to four hours, we come into a more active state, closer to waking...As a baby comes up into light sleep he is likely to cry out...and to thrash around in bed...On his back, he is likely to startle, throw out his arms and legs, become upset, and cry. As he cries and moves around, he gets more upset." I'm nodding as I'm reading this - check, check, check. Here's where it got really important: "If [the baby] has a pattern of self-soothing, such as finding his thumb or a blanket...he will settle down again...At these four-hour cycles, babies may cry out in fear. They aren't awke, but they may awaken themselves by their own thrashing, uncontrolled behavior. Parents find these periods very difficult. They feel they must go in to help the baby settle." (Well, yeah, I'm thinking...) "Feedings at 10:00 P.M., 2:00 A.M., and 6:00 A.M. are predicatbly based on these arousal periods." (Is this guy looking in our windows at night?!) Ready for the key idea? "If parents become part of the baby's arousal pattern, they will have to be there to help him settle himself every three to four hours. If they pick him up to feed, change, and settle him, he will not learn to quiet himself back into deep sleep...A baby who is always allowed to fall asleep at the breast is not learning to get himself to sleep. He's using his mother for that purpose." I'm wondering - is that such a bad thing? Until I read on: " 'Sleep problems' are likely parents' problems. Many parents are reluctant to leave a child to be independent at night." Am I doing that? "Separation will grow more and more difficult for the baby later on." (pgs. 91-92) At this point, I'm feeling pretty bad. Thinking, So, basically, I'm waking him up and making him more dependent?! Someone call foster care now!!!!

I quickly checked three other sources to see if this doctor was a quack or on the money. All three supported his general ideas. (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0345486455/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1310677547&sr=1-1 , Focus on the Family Guide to Childcare http://www.amazon.com/Focus-Family-Complete-Book-Child/dp/084230889X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1310677594&sr=1-1 , and babycenter.com)

Sooo...maybe I have been inserting myself into his nighttime routine too frequently... Luckily, (and in self-defense, haha) I think he is just now beginning to make the transistion between the newborn who needs to eat on demand to the baby who can go for longer periods. So it's a good thing I stumbled across this passage when I did!

I feel like this is the first of many times I'm going to have to put his needs before mine. If I'm really doing what's best for him, and not what's best for me (e.g.; cuddling and feeding him every time he stirs), he will become more independent. And that makes me feel less needed, which is sad, but also healthy and important to start now! Now regardless of what anyone says, I'm never going to make him "cry it out", which I know some parents do; it's just not my philosophy. At the same time, maybe I need to stop rushing in to his room at the slightest grunt, whimper, or sigh. If I wait to see if he's really hungry, it will give him a chance to self-soothe and build some independence.

As a final thought - isn't it crazy to be thinking about a child's sense of worth and independence when he is only 3 months old? But I guess that's the big idea: What we do now matters. Every decision we make seems incredibly important, and I just want to do it all the best possible way. Because bottom line: I love him so much.