Crying Like a Baby

Dear Beckett,

I have learned so much about you over the past 15 weeks. It has been the most amazing time of my life, watching you grow and change, and I have loved every second of our time together. I can't believe how well I understand you and what you need, and we don't even use the same words yet. I guess it's true that love is the universal language, because even though you can't tell me with words what you need or how you feel, I know.

One thing I've learned is how to decipher your cries. You have several different versions, and I love every one of them. There's the "I'm Tired! Cry", which Daddy likes to say, "Isn't even real!" When you cry because you're tired, you close your eyes and move your head back and forth. It sounds like a little baby goat, braying, calling out for someone to pay attention. I always do.

Then there's your, "I'm Hungry! Cry", which starts sweetly, like you are asking, "Please feed me." This cry starts like a whimper, and is sometimes accompanied by a sweet little bottom lip sticking out just enough to be greeting-card cute. It melts my heart. If the lip doesn't do its job to produce food within your timeline, that sweet face quickly changes as your cry escalates into an, "I'm-Serious-FEED-ME! Cry". Normally, at this point, your mouth is open to release a loud yelling sound and your eyes are eyes sqeezed tightly shut. As soon as I start to feed you, your face relaxes and you make sweet contented sighs.

We certainly can't forget the full-on "I'm MAD Cry". That level is a scrunched-up face, like a little red prune, and it gets louder and longer. It makes my stomach hurt. This cry can usually be stopped when I hold you close and whisper or sing in your ear. An "I'm Mad Cry" likes to make its debut in the car, while Mommy is driving. As such, Mommy has stopped to get in the backseat with you on many country roads, in many rest areas, gas stations, and McDonald's parking lots to hug you until your tears are all tucked away.

At night, when you need your Mommy or Daddy, you'll cry out for us. Sometimes, little tears come with this quiet, calling "Come Love Me Cry". They trickle out the sides of your eyes and down your sweet cheeks, and they taste salty when I kiss them away.

Sweet Beckett, I would do anything to stop your crying and show you I love you, to show you that I'm here. That's a mommy's job.

You might not know this yet, but Mommies cry, too, and we have our own versions.

The day you were born, I will never forget the "He's My Miracle Cry" that felt like my chest was going to explode because it was too full. It started when I heard your sweet cry and was a mixture of overpowering love and relief that you were okay. You were crying, too, but you quieted as soon as your daddy put you on my chest. That cry was magic.

Sometimes, Mommies cry because they are worried they aren't doing everything right. During these "Inadequate Cries", my shoulders slump, I close my eyes, and tears sneak out while I pray for guidance. You will learn that sometimes, prayers are the only things that can make you feel better.

Then, there is crying because of overwhelming gratitude and happiness. The "Joyful Cry" sneaks up on me during those special moments in the middle of the night when I'm rocking you back to sleep. I cry because I am so thankful to have you in my arms. When I look down at you, snuggled close to me, tears spill from my eyes, a physical manifestation of love pouring from my heart. They fall on your tummy and I thank God for you.

Other times, Mommies cry because they are sad. I have that feeling right now, sweet baby, because the time I have with you is going to change soon. I'm going back to work on Monday, which means I won't get to be the one to dry all of your tears, and that breaks my heart. This "Heartbreak Cry" is quiet. With streaming tears, my stomach tightens, my eyes close, and my heart hurts.

It would seem that, like the language of love, the language of tears is a universal one. Because of these universal languages, I know what your tears mean and I believe you know how much I love you.

It's because we love you so much that your dad and I are trying our very best to do what is right for our family, and also why tonight is a Heartbreak Cry. There are many opinions to consider when it comes to being a mommy, but yours is the one that matters most to me. So my greatest hope is that someday you'll say, "Mommy, I love you. You did a great job raising me, and I always knew how much you loved me."

And on that day, I promise you - your mommy will cry.